Saturday, 2 March 2013

Life in IB: The best IB story I've ever read - From WSO

Came across this gem on WSO and just had to share it. It's written as a comment by one of the best posters on WSO and I wanted to share it here. It is without a doubt the among the most awesome IB stories I have ever read. Kudos to rufiolove!

Background: The original poster had posted some tips on how to get out of getting staffed on weekends. The relevant tip is below, followed by rufiolove's comment.


Caution: The language used below might not be suitable for sensitive readers.

SanityCheck:
6. Flip shit. I don't recommend this most of the time but if you already have an exit in hand and you really want the night off, I've seen it work. A 2nd year analyst actually ran around the bullpen cursing when he was giving a deliverable Friday night which convinced the staffer to give him a 1st year and told them both that they don't have to start until Saturday.

 rufiolove:
Actually saw this one work with ruthless efficiency once and only once. Hands down one of the best played hands I have ever witnessed an analyst play in banking. One of my buddies that used to sit on my floor but was in another group had locked up an immediate start PE offer that he knew he was going to leave for within the next few months but had not ironed out all the details for start date just yet. This kid was a stud analyst and was so annoyed with his group situation given his comp and continued bs staffings that he told me one day that he was done with all this shit, he was going to go out and get a PE offer ASAP... and he did just that.

So Brose Canseco is stoked because he went and found an offer and knew he was going to bounce soon. Naturally, since he knows he isn't staying for his next bonus, broseidon starts getting uber aggressive. I'm talking showing up at 1PM smelling like tequila and the type of shame that only follows a brief trip to Tijuana, rocking shirts two buttons deep and boat shoes sans socks, clearly not troubling himself to give a single solitary fuck. Apart from his cavalier attitude toward punctuality and hygiene, this bro was still handling his shit and getting work to people when asked for it.

You could just tell that he wanted to be out and was basically just staying on to phone it in and collect some extra paychecks while doing the bare min.. Well one week his staffer hits him with this shitty bake-off pitch that was going to be a complete clusterfuck as he explained it to me and was going to ruin any semblance of a weekend for the next 3-4 weeks. Clearly homeboy is not about that game plan given that he isn't going to get any credit for diving on that grenade, so Kimosabe flips shit in the bullpen and launches into this rant about how he has reached "had it" and this metaphorical straw has broken the camel's back. Dude goes all out... we are talking Oscar-worthy portrayal of a psychological breakdown.

Kid storms out of the bullpen pissed as shit and I happen to be coming out of the kitchen after grabbing a water so I get a front row seat for all this shit. Wish I would have had popcorn it was that good. So the staffer naturally starts getting concerned and he runs to the business manager's office in a total CYA move, making sure that they don't open themselves up to any liability.

Meanwhile kid is out the building, shoots me a text like "can you believe that shit, I bet those fuckers are pissing their pants in there... going radio silent for the duration of the weekend, but hit me up when you get out, I'm going HAM if you're down to get involved." Turns out this bro had this crazy weekend planned that he was not about to have ruined by some bullshit bake-off pitch, and he calculated the likelihood that he would ever wish to use his staffer or any of the remaining senior bankers left in his group as a reference ever in his lifetime to be directly equal to the quantity of fucks he gave about making a HUGE scene. So he said fuck it and went for the gold. After the weekend, apparently he was a bit concerned about whether or not the move was a colossal mistake so he shoots the business manager and staffer a very apologetic email explaining that "He's going through some personal shit, had a breakdown due to the stress, lots of stuff going on with his family, blah blah blah" and they tell him to TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS HE NEEDS TO SORT HIS SHIT OUT...

I never saw Shoeless Bro Jackson again until the day he came in to drop off his berry... He trolled harder than I've ever seen anyone troll on this job... got himself like a month paid leave by telling HR he was going to see a therapist and then comes in and hands in his notice like a total boss. CHECK and MATE.

This Legend now works at a top tier middle market PE shop that a strong contingent of this board habitually rubs it out to...


If you'd like to read the original thread on Wall Street Oasis, click here.

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